The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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