I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
