if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
