This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
