Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
