I can't breathe out the right side of my face
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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