Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
