you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
