sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
