this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
