I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
