I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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