So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
