I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
