hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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