I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
