Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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