How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
