god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
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