I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
