Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
