We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You ruined the universe
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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