i used baking grease as lip gloss
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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