I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
