can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
