I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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