Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
How does one acquire holy water?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
