So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
