We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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