It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
