my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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