So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
