What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Randomize
