i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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