Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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