One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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