Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
