Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
