the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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