How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
