i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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