So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
