I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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