I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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