I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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