did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
