Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
