My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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