then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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