so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
