just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
